i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
