why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
