if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
