I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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