last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
false alarm, still single
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
