she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
