New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
