I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
