i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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