i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Randomize
