A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
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the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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