i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
