I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
