I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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