And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
