I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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