how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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