I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
