chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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