the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
