Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
