it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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