You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
