More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
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And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
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Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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