I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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