hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
