Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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