just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
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the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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