I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
