clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
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Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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