Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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