she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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