I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
