You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
