Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
