Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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