New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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