I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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