its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So much rum. So many feels.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
