Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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