I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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