Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
