I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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