No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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