If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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