I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
