So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
