I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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