Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.