Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.