Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
