Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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