When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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