And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
