you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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