Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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