Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
