Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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