i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
