I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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