I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
