ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
