Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
