Sober January is a disaster.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
